Today, I made a rediscovery in how I think about disagreement.
“I disagree with you on the two points above, but I love you. And I respect you,” I texted my wife.
By meaning what I wrote, I rediscovered the identity of the person I wanted to be: a good husband. I wrote another piece on how identity helps me better than willpower.
I did not write that to please my wife. It was a reminder to myself that I needed to change. I shared the situation with my close friend, who encouraged me, “That’s what strong men do!”
Disagreements happen to us daily in our personal lives, families, and businesses. I decided not to care too much about what others think about my personal pursuits. In business, if disagreements lead to a stalemate or conflict, I get to hear about it. However, it remains a tricky situation in my family life because disagreements in my most cherished relationships can be more mentally taxing.
Disagreements are challenging. They can cause conflicts. They make us less willing to communicate.
At work, I’ve learned that a lack of disagreement would mean “too good to be true”, “group think,” and “not speaking up.” I’ve been coaching my team leaders on what to do when they disagree with the clients, who are their bosses. How do you deal with situations where your feedback feels unheard? Most of the time, I focused on helping them understand the best thing they could do: improve their communication to enhance their chances of making sense. I also challenged them to consider the clients’ alternatives and their respective confidence in each option.
At home, I used to attribute disagreements in a husband and wife relationship, only on a few sensitive topics, to misaligned core values. I have been frustrated for months because I thought we would have fewer disagreements if we spent more time trying to get on the same page. But today, I realized that disagreements are meant to happen and can be a necessary test of character. I can only change how I respond to them.
I realized that our relationship was going through ups and downs, corresponding to when we faced our similarities and differences. It should not be that reactive. I refuse to let our tension dip to a low point. I reminisced about a low point a few years ago. Suddenly, by changing how I responded to my wife saying something I strongly disagreed with, I got an unexpected compliment from her. I disagreed while pointing out what’s more important: love and respect.
I will look back on today as the day I brought one entrepreneurship lesson home, about dealing with disagreements at work and at home so that I can become a better manager and partner, respectively.
Next: On resilience